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Warning, Satire: The „Watch Virus“ is raging

This virus is full of secrets and evades every rational judgement. Nobody knows where it comes from. And nobody is able to say where and how one is infected. Even more enigmatic is the fact that those who catch this mysterious virus are not that intent on ridding themselves of the affliction. Over and over again, my sober and calculating contemporaries, being of full and goodly health, confess to me that they have been struck by a strange "watch virus" – and that they feel unable to undertake anything that might relieve them of the symptoms. I began immediately with journalistic research, spoke with experts and affected persons, rummaged in books and spent hours on the internet to be able to present to you, honoured reader, the first concrete findings. In addition, these findings are based on many years of self-experimentation. Where and why the "watch virus" breaks out remains a mystery, however, my research results prove with certainly that there are at least four stages of the "watch virus infection" which require a variety of therapies.

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Are Watch Investors Ticking Quite Right?<

If the stock market rates fall as low as the trust of the investors, if banks that were seen as solid collapse, and when even the editor in chief of a respected German financial newspaper recommends that the Central Bank print DM notes as a precaution, then it is surely time to ask a question which has worried the privileged class of humanity for centuries, in one way or another: Where to invest the money? Because colleagues from the financial press often ask me whether valuable watches might be a good investment against the march of time. We're always hearing about the record sums which are paid at auctions. So: Sell off your shares and junk loans, get rid of the bungled real estate deals with which your cottage has to be re-thatched after only twelve years.

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Tick Right: The Watch as a Networking Instrument

What's going on when the economic situation stutters and the job market, as a direct result of the laws of Darwin, is affected as a consequence? Dozens of advice books home and abroad can't all be wrong: They recommend specific networking. Making new contacts is so essential for the national economy that at conferences, "coffee breaks" are no longer planned in. Today, the time between two Powerpoint-supported boring seminars is used for a "networking break". So at least being there makes sense. Indeed, good networking can also be learnt, of course. One can initiate contacts on the technical level, presuming that the networking participants come from the same branch.

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Bored with your wrist again

"Why do you drink vodka“? Every respectable Russian knows that there is only one answer to this question: "Because it is a liquid. If it was solid, we would eat it“. Although vodka consumption sank in Russia last year by 11%, this reply might still be a topical one. I remembered it when a colleague and good friend was recently questioned as to a small foible. He wears a watch on both wrists, something that is met with little understanding, resulting in the fact that he now has a reputation as an exalted snob. However, he always reacts with great magnanimity. "Why do you wear two watches?“, a curious contemporary asked him recently in a meeting break. "Because I only have two wrists. If I had more, I would wear three or four watches...“

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What do Alpha males do with their subscription watches?

With the acquisition of new readers, many publishing companies have, for many years, made use of a fairly successful strategy: Those that take out a subscription receive a watch as an additional gift. From reports reaching me from marketing managers in large publishing companies, it seems that no other subscription gift is as popular as a free timepiece. And as chance would have it, I met one of the recipients recently in the on-board restaurant on the express between Hamburg and Frankfurt. I'd just come from the first watch salon in the Hanseatic town and was browsing curiously through the brochures from one of the smaller manufacturers, something my travelling compatriot noted immediately, using the fact pitilessly in order to ensconce me in a conversation which lasted from Hannover central station to Fulda. Triumphantly, he brought his left arm above the table, nearly knocking over the empty wine bottles and held up his watch, right under my nose – a quartz model from a rather lowly price category. "What do you think I paid for it? Go on, have a guess", he asked me impatiently and with the gleaming eyes of a player who has one more ace up his sleeve. As a polite person I answered diplomatically that this particular brand is foreign to me, but the design is interesting. Now, everybody knows what is meant it if something is described as "interesting". Mediocre cookery that is termed "interesting" means, for example, that the food practically offends the United Nations anti-torture convention. But as already mentioned, on this particular delightfully sunny afternoon I was only too pleased to give the man the necessary compliment he wanted to hear. So I said, "What an interesting watch. It suits you admirably“. Of course I was aware of the ambiguity of this statement. "You see", he replied. "And how much do you think I paid for it....? Let me tell you. Not a cent. I took out a subscription to a weekly paper“. Though I was not able to estimate whether the duration of the subscription would exceed the life expectancy of the quartz watch (rather incredibly), I congratulated the loquacious man and we stumbled into this successful deal.

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Shares or Wrist? The Watch Investor has to Decide

Those who don't have the money for a Porsche simply buy shares in the Stuttgart-based sports-car manufacturer. At least the investor will be able to claim to have a big name as far as securities goes, if not in the garage. Because I primarily invest in watches, some years ago I had no other choice than to make do with this type of depot variation and to be content with a middle-class vehicle in the garage. For a long time, the Porsche shares developed admirably, and I would have foolishly held onto them for quite a while longer had one day the tax office not sent me an assessment notice, causing me to sell the shares. My thanks go out to the tax authority, because I was able to sell the shares at an all-time high, saving myself the bother of having to deal with the share crash that was to follow, and with the transfer of funds to the tax office, I made quite a small contribution to the financing of the scrapping premiums (or the bank rescue plan). In a crisis, solidarity is a requirement.

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